• My Journey

    I Messed Up

    I know that I can’t always get it right. I know I am gonna mess up, but it’s just that when I do. I get so caught up in it which makes me so sad. I wish I would never, but the hard truth is that I need to rely more on God for my difference. I would be lying if I told you that I haven’t been trying to do things my way. You see the things I suffer with is common for many people and some might say its so easy to get over. I can’t explain it, but I know it is a serious problem.

    I am still having sex and with that bring out the need to lie. I am so disappointed in myself. I am told that this will happen, but I don’t want it to happen. I don’t know what to do.

    I experience so much guilt about it and I will get to a point where I feel forgiven and then something horrible happens. I know my breakthrough is near. It is said the closer you are to your breakthrough the more trials you will encounter.

    For anyone out there going through the same thing or something similar I want you to know that relying on God is the only way. I know that now, in fact, I have always known that, but I just thought that I could help to speed the process up.

     

  • A Day In My Life Series

    A Day In My Life Series: A Walking Contradiction

    Writing it all down is definitely not easy. While writing my entry for June 19, 2018, I stopped so many times. I kept having doubts about what I should or shouldn’t write. Then I asked myself, why am I worrying about my life being boring, disappointing or uninteresting? Shouldn‘t I just embrace it as it is?

    Here is the thing; my days are going to be different sometimes, and sometimes they are going to be the same so I am not going to just tell you what I do during each dayI want to tell you what I am struggling with that day or what I hate, love or dream about.

    Today, I was frustrated, disappointed, conflicted and happy. I get frustrated with my job and disappointed that I didn’t get everything done. My teammates at work disappoint me a lot too. I feel like they don’t take the job as seriously as I do sometimes and they just don’t understand their responsibilities. I am not a do it halfway type of person. I like to give my 100% and when I don’t, I get so emotional.

    When I woke up this morning, I declared that I would have a productive day, however, so far all I have managed to do is put away some laundry.  I got a meeting at 8 am PST and I have a product launch schedule to plan and some promotions for different products to run. I also need to update 23 new listings and close them. That’s just the start of a long list of things I need to do and I have no idea how I am going to finish them all. LatelyI have been disappointing myself. I have not been giving work my 100% and though I have been getting more time for myself, at the end of it I just feel dissatisfied like I should have done more. I want to do more but sometimes it’s so hard to find the motivation to do so. 

    I had to speak with one of my teammates today because she isn’t doing her job. She keeps getting headaches or not getting enough sleep at nights so she can’t function during the days. I totally understand her struggle and so I have been trying to help her to cope and solve it by being understanding and cutting her some slacks. However, I don’t know what to do anymore because if the job isn’t done, my boss will not be satisfied. I am the type of person who just doesn’t want to give up on anyone. Even though Realistically we have to.  I have fired so many people, and I just don’t want to fire any more persons. I feel so guilty when I fire someone because well I want to help them, but how do I help when they don’t put out the effort. I will spend hours training themthey say they understand and then the next day they do the total opposite of what I showed them to do. The bottom line is I am beginning to learn that even though I want to help I need to let go. I do sometimes miss that cold person I was 3 years ago. I was so hurt back then, so much so that I would have no remorse and well if I am being honest; people never took advantage of me. That girl, however, was sad most times and too busy trying to hide her sadness to even care about anyone‘s feels. I don’t want to be that person again. I tried to help my teammate by telling her to rest during the day whenever she is sleepy or allowing her not to come in at times when she hasn’t had any sleep and the list goes on and on, but I can’t allow it anymore because it is starting to affect productivity as tasks that are her responsibility are not getting done.

    Sometimes it’s a struggle saying No and even when I know I am doing it for the right reasons I still feel bad about it because I just think I should always try to help others. My friend needed a favor for tomorrow, but I had to say no due to work. I always help out whenever she needs me but I have to be wise when it comes to time these days. I often feel used by the people around me as though I only serve one purpose in their lives and that to be there when they want something. I think the only person that doesn’t really make me feel like that is my mother and brother. I wonder if I am focusing on it too much, though; I guess I just look at how uncomfortable I feel to asks them to do something for me and how easy it is for them to asks me. Does this make me a bad person to talk about it? I am not saying I am at all regretting by any means helping the persons around me or even just being there when needed but I do wonder if they will do the same for me.

    Taking chances has never been something I do. I took a chance today; I have officially entered the unknown. I posted about Lifetime Walk on Goodreads. I have no idea what will be the end result but I am going to be as optimistic and hopeful as possible. I will embrace whatever happens because if I don’t believe in myself, who will? When the year 2018 started, I told myself that I would take risks and have more fun, but I have been playing it safe so far. There is just so much possibility for failure and criticism. I think that is the very reason why have not told any of my friends or family about my blog.

    Lunchtime is the time of the day that is often forgotten due to how busy I am with work. I don’t really have lunch very often, most times I skip lunch or maybe I have something that’s not very nutritious. Today I had bread and a banana smoothie which isn’t bad, which is not the norm for me. It’s not a complete meal, but I tend to eat whatever I have the appetite for. Usually, the only time I would eat a good lunch is when my mom is at home on a Monday. I am sure going to miss my mom for the few months that she will be gone. She called today and it was a good conversation as usual. Throughout my childhood and even now, she has always been supportive and very easy to talk to but I still hold a lot of things back. There are just somethings that I never talk about.

    As for what is for dinner, I decided to do it differently today. I normally have fast food every day except on a Monday but today I decided to cook which for me is not an often occurrence. I cooked fried fish, coconut rice with lemon sauce. I really enjoyed it. 

    Stay tuned for my next entry.

     

    Day: June 19, 2018

  • A Day In My Life Series

    A Day In My Life Series

    Today, I decide to start my very own blog series. It’s called A Day In My Life. In this series on selected days I will tell you about my life. I will talk about what it is like to be me; I will talk about my failures and my happy times. I will pour it all in these series as a way for me to have a documentation of my life and as a way for me to vent or just share my good news.

    It’s going to be different for me. I think this will give me the ability to share my struggles without having to look my judges in the face when they have an option about how, what and why I did different things in my life. I think that’s exactly what I need. So, if you are reading this and you got an opinion, please remember I am only human.  I am not perfect. Though chosen, my journey is not without difficult roads. Also, please remember that I am 23 years old and I have a really long way to go and a lot of lessons to learn.

    This is my life unedited.

  • My Journey

    You Know What!!!

    So Often I wonder what my future will look like and where I will be 5 years from now. I wonder if I will be happy, I wonder if I will let myself down. Today, I am making the decision to not worry about any of that because you know what; I am learning. I am learning that I have no control over so many things in my life and thats OK. I don’t want to fight for control of every single thing in my life. I want to put it all in God’s hand.

    Things change, people change. It all changes. So embrace it. Just ensure you don’t lose yourself in the process. Recently, I have held on to a small quote. I don’t know where I got it from. It just came to me.

    “DON’T REGRET THE CHANGE, RESPECT THE CHANGE”

    I will respect the changes in my life so as long as it doesn’t violate God’s way.

  • My Journey

    Lifetime Walk

    When I first purchased this domain, I intended to start a T-shirt company for Christians. Its been over 5 months now and I have not started that company yet. Today, I received an encouragement to start a blog about my journey. I want to help others like me.

    I am a newly baptisted christian and I attend an extension of the Pentecostal denomination (Church of God of Prophecy). My friends call me Pat. I have been a Christian for about 10 months. To many this in itself is a huge accomplishment, but for me; I don’t think its enough. I am seeking more; I want to be closer to Christ. You see, Jesus have always been a part of my life someway or another even before I got baptisted. He has kept me.

    Growing up my mom was a christian, she isn’t a perfect christian by no means; but she tried. She made mistakes and had events of failure, but I watched her get back up every single time. I have seen her cry and I have seen her fight. I know you are wondering what does my mom have to do with anything, but you needed to know a little about her too. She was my first teacher. I was not the innocent, always overjoyed and completely dedicated child growing up. I lied, I disobey, I cheated and lets not forget disrespected others.

    I have done so much in my life that I am not proud of, and today, they are some of the very things that has been a struggle for me to recover from. I don’t know how many of you can relate, but I often wish I could go back in time just to smack myself in the head. If I could say one thing to myself 10 years ago I would say; DON’T DO THAT. My parents were good parents; they did the best they could, but for some reason I would always want more. It was not money I seeked either; It was the parties, the drinking and just the type of life that a child should not live. I didn’t get involved in drugs (well I don’t think I did), which is good. I am from the Caribbean so we have a different culture. I drank a lot in my teenage years and I smoked marijuana and maybe a cigarette or two. Thank God it has no permanent effects so far. I messed around a lot and even though I didn’t loose my virginity until I was 17 years old, I came close many times. It was my way of pushing the limit. When I lost my virginity, many things happened in my life and I also did even more things that I am not proud of. I became addicted to sex, so much so that if I was not having sex, I would be masturbating. To summarize for you I have done a lot of things that I shouldn’t have done.

    Today, I have many struggles and while I am not consumed with all the things of my past, there is a few that I am still bonded by. My past is by no means something to be proud of, but I don’t regret it because if I did then I would not be respecting the change. I am glad I have changed and I need to change even more.

    You see when you become a christian, you have to give up that nature that you’ve had for years. You have to walk away from your habits. It is not easy. It is so hard and trust me you need the Holy Spirit to help you because you can’t do it alone. You may be victorious at times, you may fail and you may relapse, but you can’t embark on the Christian Walk with the mindset the you will fail. You have to have faith and trust in God and most of all you have to believe that you will overcome. I want to leave with you that change will not happen the day after you are saved, you can’t undo years of bad habits overnight. It takes time and you need to believe in the process and the journey Christ has designed for you. If you find yourself in a place where are not please with the way you are living, you need to pray about it and you should make it your mission to talk to Christ every single day.

    This is my first ever post and I want all readers to encourage me. I will do my best with God’s help to encourage you too. If you have specific questions or topics that you want me to write about, please let me know.